William slowly approached his bedroom where Dawn and he had left Buffy not 15 minutes ago after she fainted. He could hear her pacing the room a good sign that she was now awake. However as he opened the door to step in, Buffy shot across the room to the farthest window and huddled into a ball. William stepped in and closed the door and turning he could see Buffy rocking now, like she was a scared child.

“Buffy?” William called softly moving towards her. Noticing William’s movement towards her, Buffy stood quickly, fidgeting with her hands. She had tear stains on her cheeks that he noticed as she looked up at him. William stood there, worried. He reached to touch her face to wipe away the tears when her whole body started to shake.

“Tell me what happened to you?” He whispered only to watch her eyes fill with fear. She backed away from him and William felt as though he had been stung.

“Don't... please don't touch me.” William looked at her confused but stepped back away from her, giving her space. Buffy started to pace near the window.

“Buffy I don’t understand.” William said shaking his head in confusion.

"Every time someone touches me I remember... I remember more and I don't think I can take more... I don't think it could fit in my head." Buffy whispered clutching each side of her head. She looked so afraid, so fragile and William felt his heart break for her. Suddenly she stopped pacing and looked at William.

"Buffy..."

“They scream.” She uttered a mere whisper.

“What?”

“When you… they scream but some just freeze, like they can’t move, they're too terrified… children they usually scream, little babies….” Tears poured from her eyes now.

“Buffy…”

"I've killed and maimed for two hundred years.... drank them all up and now they're all dead."

“Oh god Buffy..." More then anything William wanted to reach out and comfort her, to tell her it wasn't real. Knowing it would be lying but seeing her like this was eating him up inside. He never thought he would hear what came out of her mouth next.

"You should have killed me." Buffy said, deadpanned.

"What?" William almost screeched. How could she say something like that?

"Do you have any idea what I’m capable of?"

"Believe me I’m well aware of what you're capable of. Were capable of."

"You got off easy, you've never met the real me ... tell me do you know how much blood you can drink from a human before they'll die? I do... you see the trick is to drink just enough, to know how to damage them just enough so that they'll still cry when you... cause it’s not worth it if they don't cry." Buffy finished tears in her eyes once again.

"It’s not your fault, your not the one doing this." William replied trying to comfort her, Buffy laughed at this shaking her head.

"I already did it, it’s already done." She snapped at him.

"You wanna know what I’ve done to girls Dawn's age?... this is me Spike, accept it already." She hissed at him. She could feel her skin going hot, getting angrier by the minute. For the life of him he just didn't seem to get it.

"No, you think you got insight now because your souls drenched in blood... you really don't know do you, do you!? Was that you who killed those people? Was that you who waited for those girls?" William heatedly replied.

"There’s no one else." she whispered.

"That’s not true... listen to me, I saw you change, I saw your penance long before you became human."

"Window dressing." Buffy quipped.

"Be easier wouldn't it, if it was all just an act but its not. You Buffy faced the monster inside you and you fought back, you risked everything to be a better person..." He could feel his voice rising, flowing over with emotion.

"Spike..."

"And you can be, you are, you may not see it but I do, I do... I believe in you Buffy." he finished. Every part of her wanted to accept what William had just said. But she couldn't not with everything she had done.

"You shouldn't." she whispered turning away and walking to the window.

"Buffy..."

"Get out." she whispered.

"Buffy please..."

"I said get OUT!" She yelled swinging around to look at him, anger flashing within her eyes. He nodded numbly before walking out the door closing it behind him.

William sighed and leaned against the bedroom door. He could hear Buffy sobbing again and more then anything he wanted to go back in there and hold her, comfort her but knowing she would never let him. How had things gotten so mixed up not even an hour ago he didn’t know. They had been locked in a passionate embrace and now she was yelling at him to not touch her, the weight of everything she had done weighing down on her soul. William heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Thinking it might me Dawn, he turned to his right watching Willow walk over to him. William silently breathed with relief.

“How is she?” she asked.

“I don’t know, her soul is weighing heavily on her, she so angry, confused and scared.” He replied with a heavy sigh.

"Scared of what?"

"Herself... Willow I don't know what to do for her." He felt so helpless.

"That’s actually why I came up to see you, Tara and I where talking and she mentioned a spell we could do to help. Its purpose is to bring inner peace." she explained.

"She slaughtered half of Europe Will, some how I this it’s going to be a little hard for her to find inner peace just now."

"I know I know it might not work but maybe it can help even a little. If it doesn't then we haven't lost anything by trying right?" William breathed in deep absorbing what Willow had just said to him. She was right it wouldn't hurt to try. He couldn’t stand by and do nothing.

"Okay do it." Willow nodded as she walked back down the stairs. William put his ear to the door. He could still hear Buffy crying but it was much softer now. Sighing, he headed downstairs to find Dawn.

William waited patiently for news that the spell had worked and when Xander finally told him it had been done he went straight in to see her. He opened the door slowly and closed it behind him like last time. The room was full of light. Buffy was still sitting near the window, the sunlight bathing her body as she looked out into the day. William decided he could never get sick of seeing her standing in the day light, she looked like a vision. Like the sun was made just for her, to make her glow. More then anything he wanted to reach out and touch her but he restrained in fear of scaring her like last time.

“Buffy?” He said softly. She turned her head slightly to look at him briefly before turning back to look out the window again.

“Say that again.” She barely whispered. William took the opportunity to move closer to her.

“I just said your name… Buffy.”

“Sounds so odd don’t it?” She replied.

“What do you mean?” William pushed.

“It wasn’t my name when I was human… when I was human the first time I mean.”

“What was your name?” She turned around to face him, she noticed he had moved his way across the room and was now only a few feet away from her. She didn’t seem to mind though.

“I don’t remember… I’m not her whoever she was… I was Buffy for so long… then I wasn’t, I wasn’t anything. I just stopped… I jumped and I was done, then they brought me back.”

“Yes.” he replied taking another step towards her.

“What did they bring back Spike? Who am I? Did they bring back that girl whose name I can’t remember? Or did they bring back something else? That other thing?”

“Both, neither… your just you. Whoever that is.” William replied. How could he answer her questions when he didn’t know the answer’s himself? He just wanted her to feel better, not doubt her entire being.

“Why haven’t you kissed me yet?” She asked suddenly walking to him. She stood in front of him, pouting her lips.

“I…I didn’t know if you wanted me to.” He stammered, completely taken aback. He gazed at her intently. More then anything he wanted to kiss her, to hold her in his arms.

“Why should that matter? Do you think I ever hesitated when I wanted something? Life’s to short for that. Believe me I know… 200 years and still to short.” Buffy’s speech seem to stir something inside of him, making him want her even more now if that was even possible. He reached out to her face and stroked her cheek before he found his lips crashing on hers, his hand now in her hair. Their kisses became more urgent, more needy and dripping with the passion they held for one another. William felt Buffy break away and move down his neck, taking a sharp intake of breath as she did so. It was sending shivers down his spine just feeling her hot breath on the side of his neck.

“What am I?” She seductively whispered into his ear.

“I don’t know and I don’t care,” he replied, running his hand down her side to her breast. He suddenly felt a sharp pain on his neck and he realized that she had bit him. Yelping he jumped back, hand going instinctively to the sore spot.

“Now do you care? That’s how vampires get what they want… what am I?” She yelled as she stood in front of him, eyes full of fury.

“Buffy.” He managed to mutter.

“Is that it? Am I Buffy?” she asked urgently.

“Yes.” William breathed.

“Careful Buffy would snap you in half… is that who I am?” She spun around and moved back to the window frustrated. William stood there stunned, unable to answer her. Swimming in his own thoughts he at first didn’t hear the sound of Buffy’s tears as she desperately tried to prevent them ripping through her throat.

“I understand what you’re going through.” He desperately tried again. Buffy turned to face him. For the what felt like the hundredth time today, there were tears rolling down her face. William watched as the woman he loved placed her hand over her beating heart mournfully.

“No, nobody understands, nobody can understand… I can feel this body dying Spike. I can feel it decaying moment by moment… its being eaten away from this thing inside of me… it’s a cancer… this soul.”



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