Hurts to breathe.
Buffy waited patiently down in the kitchen for Spike to return. They had arrived at Willy’s bar to find Giles passed out; when they woke him to take him home he wasn’t making a lot of sense, mostly slurring about how much he loved and missed Joyce.
Buffy had felt tears burn her eyes when she saw Giles so broken; seeing him that way had almost broken her. . They had put him in the car where he had promptly passed out once more. Buffy sighed sitting on one of the stools at the kitchen counter, trying to stop herself from pacing; Spike returned breaking her thoughts, slipping off the stool she turned to face him.
“How is he?” she asked clearly concerned.
“Sleeping, finally,” he sighed.
“Did he say anything?”
“Nothing that made much sense, he was pretty drunk luv,” he smiled.
“Kinda noticed,” she smiled. “Could I maybe crash here tonight? I really want to talk to Giles first thing in the morning.”
“Sure I’ll make up the spare room, come on,” he smiled leading her upstairs. Buffy didn’t sleep much that night, to concerned about Giles; she couldn’t help but feel guilty either. She had been so concerned with what had been happening between herself and Spike that she had forgotten all about how Giles must have been feeling.
To be honest she couldn’t even remember the last time she stopped to check in on him and see how he was doing. She felt a new wave of guilt flood through her grasping the tray that held a fresh batch of pancakes and hot tea, taking a deep breath before lightly tapping on his bedroom door.
Buffy smiled when Giles opened the door. He was clearly hung-over and she had never seen him look so run down.
“Buffy please do come in,” he smiled as she stepped past him placing the tray on the bed side table before turning to face him.
“Here,” she offered passing him two aspirin and some water, he eagerly took them, swallowing them down before placing the now empty glass on the tray and taking a seat on the bed. She sighed pulling up a seat from the dressing table to sit in front of him, she could tell by the look on his face that she was going to have to start this conversation.
“Giles…” she started but was surprised when he quickly cut her off.
“No, Buffy before you say anything please let me apologies for my behavior last night, it was completely unacceptable,” he sighed, she shook her head at this.
“It was completely acceptable…” his head shot up in surprise. “Giles you lost the women you loved, the women you were going to ask to marry you; if you didn’t lose it at least once there would be something wrong” Giles laughed softly at this.
“Mom would want you to be happy Giles and you’re clearly not, you need to talk to someone about how your feeling. I know Spike and I have been distracted lately but we are here if you ever need us,” Giles put his head down willing the tears away.
“Buffy, It hurts to talk, it hurts to breathe. Your mother was so important to me, I loved her so much but she’s gone, no amount of talking is going to change that.”
“True, but maybe it can help ease the pain a little.”
“You want to know how I feel? Like a hole has been punched through my chest, I feel the lack of her presence everywhere. A part of me wishes I had listened to myself and kept my distance, maybe then she would still be alive,” he almost whispered the last part out, Buffy was beyond confused.
“What are you talking about?”
“Jenny, your mother, it seems any women who falls in love with me dies, I’m like a poison that creeps into their core, spreading, consuming, killing, this cancer….” He whispered finally allowing the tears to fall. Buffy moved forward wrapping her arms around him.
“This is not your fault, mom had a brain tumor, Jenny ovarian cancer. Two completely different types of cancer and neither of them your fault, sometimes bad things happen to good people but it’s never anyone’s fault. You can’t blame yourself for this, mom wouldn’t want it and neither would Jenny,” she whispered in his ear before pulling back to look at him.
“I know you’re right Buffy, it’s just….” He sighed, “I miss her so much, so much it’s almost killing me.” A tear escaped her seeing the love and devotion in his eyes. It gave her a feeling of relief and warmth to know her mother was so loved and looked after while she was gone.
“I know, I miss her too but we have to do what she would want us to do, live, be happy,” she took a deep breath unsure if she should mention this but desperately wanting too.
“Spike told me that Anya from the Magic Box asked you out to dinner yesterday,” she said cautiously before sitting back down seeing Giles sigh.
“Yes but I declined, I’m just not ready to start dating yet, not sure if I ever will be,” Buffy smiled glad he wasn’t upset with her.
“Well just so you know when you are ready, mom would want you to fall in love again,” she smiled standing up and moving towards the door.
“She’s very pretty,” Giles turned to look at her slightly confused, “Anya,” Giles smiled understanding.
“She’s young,” he replied Buffy smiled at this.
“Maybe but she’s old in experience,” Buffy laughed softly remembering the few chats she had, had with the very bold and straight forward shop assistant Anya who was also hoping to become part owner of the shop too. Closing the door she moved down the stairs to a waiting Spike, Giles had a road ahead of him but she knew he would be okay given time.
Hey everyone just wanted to write a quick note to say how sorry i am that is has taken me so long to update, i have five WIP and only two Beta's one who works full time so sometimes it takes a little bit to get a chapter posted but i want to thank you for your patients and hope that you enjoy this chapter.
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