Spike sat in a small empty office of Wolfram and Hart and stared at an empty sheet of paper, which lay before him.

Three days had passed since Angel and he come back from Rome. He tried to forget Buffy, because she was apparently happy and he wished her nothing else. Only problem was he couldn’t get her out of his mind.
He was sure that the only reason he was having these continual thoughts at all, was simply to torture himself into doing away with himself.

And that wish could soon come true when they tangled with the senior partners, because they couldn’t possibly win that fight.

Angel had given them the afternoon off so that they could do what they had always wanted to do. He told them all when he did, that later may very well be too late. So it was one last hurrah for Team Angel.
At first Spike had wanted to call Buffy, but it turned out he was too cowardly in the end and so he decided to write her a letter instead.

Now after having struggled for two hours to find a beginning, he sat there and stared blankly at the mocking whiteness of the sheet of paper.

*** *** ***

The door to the office opened and Angel stood in the doorway with his arm around Nina’s shoulders obviously resolved to forget Buffy and get on to living his un-life.

Angel had explained the whole impending apocalypse thing to Nina and wanted to bring her to the airport and as far away from L.A. as possible but she wanted to say goodbye to everyone before she left.

Nina walked to Spike and although she did not know him very well, she gave him a hug, wished him a lot of luck and went back to Angel. Before they left the office, she turned round once again saying to Spike, " Write to her, what you feel completely, deeply in yourself. She’ll understand why you didn’t tell her believe me. "

The door closed and Spike took a deep breath and started to write.


Hey Buffy
How you have been?
I found out from Andrew, while Angel and I recently on business in Rome, that you were dating the Immortal. Met him a ways back and let me just say, your new lover has played quite a lot of cat and mouse with both of us over the years.
So this is it. Another life or death or unlife, whichever you prefer, fight approaches and I wanted to write to you because I do not honestly know whether I will survive it. Not that it’s the first time, or is it? Ah well, third times the charm and all that rot.
Can you still remember our time together?
I don’t mean the year when Willow brought you back, though there are parts of that year I would love to forget. No, I meant the last three days before the fight with the First?
I remember that I had told you my dreams and had given them to you as a gift of myself.
I can also remember how I had lost myself in your eyes those days and how every day since I feel as if I can remember more of you, what you’ve done, or even what you’ve said. As if I carry a part of you with me even now.
I know that you don´t think of me anymore, not as I think of you, but I need to know one thing.
Did you really love me? Did you sometimes really need me? As I needed you?
Was I ever really in your heart? And if so, can you not feel then that I need you with me now?
Have you really ever seen my love and have you ever really felt it?
I’ve given everything I am of myself to you. My heart, my soul, my very thoughts and deeds.
When I remember your smile, I feel only the ache in my heart and the pain in my gut that reminds me of what we shared.
I know that you meant it at the time in the hellmouth when you said the words, but do you still feel it now?
My own love for you will never end; on the contrary, it becomes stronger with every passing day.
There is one thing I hope that you’ll never forget, Buffy. And that’s, that you are the only one for me. You are the one I will love for the rest of eternity and I will never forget you and those days that we had. Never.
What I would give to hold you tonight in my arms… just as in Sunnydale. Just to feel you, to inhale your scent and to watch you while slept.
My angel, my light.
I LOVE YOU
Because my third death approaches quite possibly once more, I wanted to let you know this. I don’t expect any answer pet, because who knows what tomorrow will bring.
Don’t forget me.
In love and forever yours,
William


He was so deeply involved in his letter that he didn’t even realize when somebody else came into the office. Only when they had positioned themselves behind him and a hand was laid on his shoulder he did he notice at all.

Spike didn’t turn to see who was it as he assumed that it was Wesley or Gunn.
" What do you want? " he asked brusquely. " Don’t you have anything else to do rather than to bother me? "

"Actually", answered a familiar British voice, "I’ve brought somebody here who would very much like to see you.”

Spike turned around slowly and saw that it was Giles who now stood behind him. With his mouth hanging open he could only sit and stare at the former watcher.

" What are you doing here, Rupert? " He asked cautiously.

" We heard about the riots in L.A. and we flew here immediately with all the slayers to help. " Giles answered the question.

" So where is she? " Spike asked his heart in his throat. " Why didn’t come herself? "

Rupert looked at him his eyes tired but kind and answered, " She didn’t want to see Angel and,” Giles chuckled a bit his eyes warming,” she doesn’t especially get along with the new slayers. "

Without another word Spike folded the letter, stood up, drew on his coat and put the note into the inside pocket.

Nodding to Giles he followed the watcher out of the building and towards the woman he loved more than his unlife.

When they finally reached the Santa Monica Beach hotel, it was already dawn.

Time, what they had left of it ...was running out.

*** *** ***

Buffy sat in her room and nibbled at her fingernails thinking back to when she had found out Spike was still among the non-living in Los Angeles.

She hadn’t been able to handle it when her now former lover had told her about Angel and Spike being in Rome.

She had been furious.

And as it turned out though, the “immortal” was not as immortal as he had thought.
Well…in any case, not when Buffy broke his neck.

One knock on the hotel door broke into her thoughts and Buffy jumped a full meter off the bed in fright. Dawn who was with her in the room, grinned easily at her unnerved sister and got up to answer unable to resist teasing just a bit. " A little excited, Buffy? "

The agitated Slayer gave her a nasty look and murmured something incomprehensible under her breath.
Dawn reached the door and opened it slowly not quite believing that he really stood there before her.
"Hey nibblet! " said Spike quietly.

" Hey? HEY?!!” Answered Dawn hesitating to embrace him staring at him her eyes wide. But when she felt his arms slide around her in the next instance and she was being tightly embraced, she did the same, murmuring against his leather-clad shoulder, " I’ve missed you, Spike! "

"I missed you too Nib, " He said squeezing her even more tightly in his arms. " I missed you too. "

His eyes wandered the room over Dawn’s head, before finally finding and capturing in his sights, the small figure of his love sitting quietly on the bed.

Her hair was honey-blond again and reached her almost down to her hips. Her emerald green eyes were huge as they filled with tears, and her bottom lip trembled as she sat there silently and stared at him.
Spike gently freed himself of Dawn’s embrace and slowly walked across to Buffy.

Giles still stood in the doorway and waved Dawn to come and leave Spike and Buffy alone for a moment.
Nodding she followed him out into the rising sunlight and slowly closed the door behind as she smiled.

*** *** ***

Buffy sat as if she had taken root on the bed and stared in his cornflower blue eyes. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she struggled to speak around the lump that had taken up residence in her throat.

Spike knelt before her on the hotel floor taking her hands into his and gliding the pads of his thumbs over her backs of them.

" It’s good to see you, Goldilocks,” he said lifting a hand and starting to play with a long silken strand of her hair a sad smile playing on his lips. " Long time… no see. "

She only nodded, stretching her shaking hand out and letting it glide gently over his cheek as if to make sure that he was really there and it wasn’t just another dream.

Suddenly she pulled her hand back as if it had been burned.

" How … " said she hoarsely, clearing her throat and trying once again. " How can this be? I saw you die! You burned! How long have you been back? Why didn’t you let me know? Can you imagine, how I felt? After you were gone? After I watched you…watched…..you ….die Spike. "

"I’m sorry,” said Spike quietly as he rose and walked slowly around the room his voice strained as he replied. " But what could I have said to you? Hey Buffy, I didn’t burn nearly as well as you thought? You don’t think I didn’t try? Or that I didn’t want to see you? Hell, I was already at the airport, when I thought to myself that you might not want to see me at all. "

He stood by the single window of the room and looked out at the town.

Everything was quiet as always. No one out there even knew that a big battle was approaching.

Buffy got up from the bed and moved to him. Positioning herself behind, she carefully wrapped her arms around him from the back and whispered, " I would have been happy to see you. I didn’t know up until three days ago that you were even back again. I’ve missed you so very much, Spike. You…can’t imagine how much "

At her words, he turned in her embrace and looked deeply into her eyes saying earnestly, " Every single minute I thought of you. And even when I was in the hell dimension I thought of you even though I knew that you and Dawn were okay and that I shouldn’t worry about you. " Then he reached into his inner coat pocket and brought out the letter.

"I wrote this for you, I wanted to send it off …even today." He said as he pressed the letter into her hand.

" What is this? " she asked, letting him go and walking back to the bed.

" You have to read it for yourself.” He answered his voice carefully neutral; “the words, what I wrote…they’re my deepest feelings…for you, " he said quietly walking to the door of the room laying his hand on the doorknob.

" Where are you going? " She asked sounding anxious looking up at him from the letter she held.
He turned and looked at her with a small smile on his face, "I’m gonna leave you alone while you read the letter. Just gonna nip on down to the bar and have m’self a whisky. Come and find me when you’re done? That is…if you still want to. "

Buffy nodded and returned his smile shyly, ""I do and I will… but you better not disappear on me again." She teased lightly.

" Never. " He replied, feeling the ache in his heart lessen a little as he opened the door and left her alone with his heart bared on fancy Wolfram and Hart steno.

*** *** ***

Spike had only been in the relatively empty hotel bar for about fifteen minutes, his whisky glass still sitting full before him on the polished wood, when he felt two arms twine around his chest from behind.
"The letter was wonderful. And to answer your question, yes, I did love you and I still do", she quietly whispered into his ear.

She slipped around him and took a seat on the bar stool beside him and ordered herself a coke.

For a while they said nothing at all.

Spike stared at his whisky glass not allowing himself to believe that she really loved him. Hoping, but not really believing. He’d been burned before and he wasn’t sure he could manage it again. No, that was wrong, he knew he couldn’t bare it if she really didn’t love him.

"So…um…how long since you came back? " asked Buffy, out of the blue cutting the silence and surprising them both a bit.

" About nineteen days after I have closed the Hellmouth, the amulet spit me out again. First I was a kind of Ghost that was bloody awful. Then, I also don’t know exactly why, but I corporeal again and since then I’ve help Angel fight the good fight. “ He chuckled at that, “or better said, I irritated him. " a diabolical grin appeared on his face while he still stared at his glass.

" When I sent Andrew around to get Dana…were you here then? Did he see you? Did that little troll see you Spike and not tell me? " Asked Buffy as she placed her hand on his arm her eyes full of the promise of swift reprisal for the poncey git if he answered in the positive.

" Yea he saw me and before you beat him senseless slayer, he offered to tell you I was back, but I wanted to make it by myself.” He looked up briefly at her before his eyes slid away again, “A few days ago in Italy when I saw you and I saw that you are happy with HIM, I just wanted to leave you alone and let you live your life. I wanted you to be happy but I realized when I saw you again in that room, I can’t do this. I can’t live without you. You’re a part of me Buffy and nothing in this world will ever make you leave my heart. " He said softly lifting his head to look at her. " I love you. "

Buffy returned his look, her eyes brimming with emotion as she slid closer to him and whispered, stressing his given name, " I love you too, William. And it’s over with the Immortal. "

" He let you go? "

“Uh well…he’s dead, so he’s not really with the choice having as far as this slayer is concerned. " Buffy giggled a little, " Obviously he wasn’t as “immortal” as he thought. You just have to know how to find his weak spots."

Buffy leaned closer to him their lips almost touching, " Buffy, what are you doing? " asked Spike in a shaky voice.

She tilted her head and looked deep into his eyes seeing the fear he held in them that this wasn’t real, and her love really wasn’t fact. " What I wanted to do right from the start, " she said before she closed the gap between them and pressed her lips to his kissing him passionately.

When she slipped her tongue softly over his lower lip seeking admittance Spike opened his mouth and sighed happily when her tongue finally caressed his own.

After a few minutes he broke the kiss, and looked deeply into the green eyes of his slayer clearly seeing for the first time what she felt for him written in the depths.

“You really love me,” he breathed the awe in his voice undisguised as he looked his fill. “I can see it, " he said as a smile as bright as the sun lit his face.

" Would you fulfil me one more wish my love?" he asked as he kissed her forehead tenderly.
Buffy took a deep breath and leaned against his shoulder. " Anything! "

"Can I hold you tonight? "

"I’d like that ", she answered smiling and looking up at him expectantly before winking and saying, “ and you can do even more to me if you want to!”

They connected eyes once more, their hearts connecting, both of them suddenly breathless with anticipation of the night to come.

Then without another word Spike took his love’s hand and led her back to her room.

The End…!!!

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